Why Her

When I tell people about you and how I feel about you, they never fail to ask,

"Why her?"

It takes a while for anyone else to speak as fear begins to take over; fear that I can't even answer such a simple, yet personal question. Never has an answer said so much, even when it's unanswered.

The question takes me back to a time when uncertainty was at its highest, when the question was first asked.

Just like before, I couldn't answer. I choked, I got nervous, I said stupid things.

And I'm back here, choking, saying all the same stupid things to prove to other people and perhaps myself, why you.

I thought too long and too hard for an answer, when there was one staring right at me.

It's when I wake up in the morning and the only person I think of is you, and how my everyday gets affected by every "good morning" is given. It's how I find some sort of way to wake up at 8.30 to make you a surprise breakfast on a day I don't have a class. It's how I cannot help but grin like a total idiot when I see your name flashing on my phone and how a "Hello" changes everything. It's when I talk to you and you look somewhere else and I tell myself, "Damn, she has the most beautiful pair of brown eyes I've seen..". And when night comes, it's how we talk until the end of it and I can't wait to thank and pray to God to givre me another day to have another chance at this again.

***

Yet, it's also how I wake up in the morning and find you're not there anymore. It's how I want to see you, but my mind tells me, "It wouldn't matter.."It's how the only way I see your name on my phone is when I scroll to the old conversations that would involve us saying "good night" and "good morning", and see your name get lower on the list. It's when I could be talking to you but it seems as though every conversation dies a minute into it. And it becomes painfully obvious when night comes and silence takes over and I have to pray to God, begging for his forgiveness for whatever sin I did to have this happen.

You may be full of love, but I'm damn sure I'm emptying on it.

"Why her?" has been answered.

"Where do I stand?" hasn't.