Why Her

When I tell people about you and how I feel about you, they never fail to ask,

"Why her?"

It takes a while for anyone else to speak as fear begins to take over; fear that I can't even answer such a simple, yet personal question. Never has an answer said so much, even when it's unanswered.

The question takes me back to a time when uncertainty was at its highest, when the question was first asked.

Just like before, I couldn't answer. I choked, I got nervous, I said stupid things.

And I'm back here, choking, saying all the same stupid things to prove to other people and perhaps myself, why you.

I thought too long and too hard for an answer, when there was one staring right at me.

It's when I wake up in the morning and the only person I think of is you, and how my everyday gets affected by every "good morning" is given. It's how I find some sort of way to wake up at 8.30 to make you a surprise breakfast on a day I don't have a class. It's how I cannot help but grin like a total idiot when I see your name flashing on my phone and how a "Hello" changes everything. It's when I talk to you and you look somewhere else and I tell myself, "Damn, she has the most beautiful pair of brown eyes I've seen..". And when night comes, it's how we talk until the end of it and I can't wait to thank and pray to God to givre me another day to have another chance at this again.

***

Yet, it's also how I wake up in the morning and find you're not there anymore. It's how I want to see you, but my mind tells me, "It wouldn't matter.."It's how the only way I see your name on my phone is when I scroll to the old conversations that would involve us saying "good night" and "good morning", and see your name get lower on the list. It's when I could be talking to you but it seems as though every conversation dies a minute into it. And it becomes painfully obvious when night comes and silence takes over and I have to pray to God, begging for his forgiveness for whatever sin I did to have this happen.

You may be full of love, but I'm damn sure I'm emptying on it.

"Why her?" has been answered.

"Where do I stand?" hasn't.

Friends Again

It always takes only one picture to make me see things for what they are.

For what things should be.

September's not even here yet.

Should have never gone to your profile.

Should have never became friends again.

At first it was alright to still stay.

Now it feels like shit to know that it disappeared just like that.

Funny how friendships, relationships, or any type of connection can disappear in a matter of short time.

My Epiphany

I hate this part. The part where you thought everything was going as planned, or at least in my eyes.

I asked for it, not hoping that an answer would be given, or at least not this way. And now that it's really happened, I don't know whether I should be relieved that I know what fate says to...

Ever since my last post, i have found no immediate reason to post more...posts, on this blog. because I thought things were looking up, finally and that I've mustered the technique of not showing anything in front of anybody, and letting myself run from the feelings which still bother me up til today. It's no wonder people always go on and on that they still can't forget that certain person.

Ever since then, I found out that maybe somewhere in time, we could be something again. But everytime I begin to construct an image of you and I, something ALWAYS comes up, and tears it down. Whether it was the jealousy of someone else, merely seeing you and hims miling to each other, or just the silence in school which took place of the many minutes I could've talked to you.

Time after time, I ignored everything.

Up til this point.

And yet, I feel sad and angry at the same time.

Angry 'cause you let your surroundings affect your words.

Sad, not because there was a fight,

But because I realised you're not the girl I fell for anymore.

This is my epiphany, after everything changed...

My Cold Cover

Life's what you make it.

Life in school with a weakened self-esteem is much like going to a food shop with only enough money to get a cup of coffee.

Eventhough you may have enough money for just one cup of coffee, one will still, sometimes involuntarily, browse through a few food stalls to make it seem like you're gonna buy something to eat while you slurp down that cup of coffee, which it's price just doubled due to the global market crisis.

As students, teachers and principals walk into their individual classes or office space, they only have a few seconds to force themselves to leave behind their personal problems before reaching the doors into a room where their responsibilty as respective roles have to come first.

That's why there is such a part of our life just known as "school life". cause' it's just another part of us where we have to let go of certain things to achieve more important stuff. But have you ever just wondered how long could someone pretend to let everything go easily?

As for relationships, it's obvious that they are everywhere. In the classroom, behind the door, on the ceiling(neh, the two cicaks), there'll always be a time in time itself where you will find yourself glancing through the couples in your class, the relationship which has been there since forever, the relationship which doesn't put age as a factor to love, or even the relationship that was rekindled, you'll, no matter how hard you try, will sometimes begin to realize that, "It should've been me".

I guess that's why people make jokes and to try to talk about random stuff. To distract themselves about whatever's bothering them, both inside and outside the closed gates of school and work.

My First Rant

The five stages of grief are:

1-Denial-"this can't be happening to me", looking for the former spouse in familia places, or if it is death, setting the table for the person or acting as if they are still in living there. No crying. Not accepting or even acknowledging the loss.

2-Anger-"why me?", feelings of wanting to fight back or get even with spouse of divorce, for death, anger at the deceased, blaming them for leaving.

3-Bargaining-bargaining often takes place before the loss. Attempting to make deals with the spouse who is leaving, or attempting to make deals with God to stop or change the loss. Begging, wishing, praying for them to come back.

4-Depression-overwhelming feelings of hopelessness, frustration, bitterness, self pity, mourning loss of person as well as the hopes, dreams and plans for the future. Feeling lack of control, feeling numb. Perhaps feeling suicidal.

5-Acceptance-there is a difference between resignation and acceptance. You have to accept the loss, not just try to bear it quietly. Realization that it takes two to make or break a marriage. Realization that the person is gone (in death) that it is not their fault, they didn't leave you on purpose. (even in cases of suicide, often the deceased person, was not in their right frame of mind) Finding the good that can come out of the pain of loss, finding comfort and healing. Our goals turn toward personal growth. Stay with fond memories of person.

According to this, i can say that the 5 stages aren't in order. It can happen at any sequence at a ertain time when someone's confused. 

Whenever I get into denial, I hear something that would lead me to anger. After a while, I tell myself that I should give it another chance, a chance at bargaining. But when I do, something always hits me back, trying to tell me that it's not gonna happen because of different reasons and all. Anger steps in.   

ALong with anger, it's good friend, depression stands in, as I see her move on with the smile she puts out, but the bits of hurt inside. I don't present myself and let things conspire in school as I lie on my bed, listening to people bitch about their own relationships, just to let them only realise that how lucky they are to have someone to listen to them.

God knows when I'm gonna enter the last stage of grief. Only God knows..